The 5 Stages of Life Development for Men

w/ Alison Armstrong

I love men. I really do. But damn, we men are often just so lost and disoriented in our lives, and the impact of that on the world around us can be devastating.

I don’t blame us. Our fathers never showed us a better way. For many of us, our fathers were as lost as any man can be.

Still, a man must commit himself to getting better oriented within himself, to truly know himself, heart and soul, lest the burden of his internal confusion end up on the breaking backs of his loved ones.

Over the last few decades I’ve spent deep, intimate time with even some of the most outwardly successful men on the planet. Too often, although they’ve achieved material wealth, their relationships with their spouses (or women) are a mess, or they don’t have a good (or any) relationship with their kids (looking at you, Elon), or they just can’t find deep fulfillment no matter how much they win.

Women see it, and feel it. They may not know how to skillfully speak to what they see, but women are deeply affected by a man’s persisting disorientation.

When a man is regularly confronted by anger in his woman, it might serve him to inquire how her anger may be a reflection of his own internal confusion. (which isn’t to say she doesn’t have her own "stuff" to work through, as well – she surely does.)

Many years ago, I discovered Alison Armstrong’s model of the 5 life stages men go through, and it was a revelation!

I was so lost throughout my 20s and my 30s, unsure of who I was supposed to be, or even what I was supposed to really care about. My father was missing in action. I had no connection to my grandfather. My male peers seemed to have little to offer in the way of useful, soul-oriented advice.

Thus I turned towards seeking salvation and validation through external success, as men do. Which never really worked.

Interestingly, it was through studying intimate relationships that I started to discover and understand deeper aspects of myself.

For example, by reading Alison Armstrong’s work, I finally understood why throughout my 20s and 30s it had been so difficult for me to fully commit to relationship with a woman.

According to Alison, those years were my "Knight" stage, when my focus was more (needed to be more) on finding my "Self." Because I had no wise men initiating me into manhood, I unconsciously needed to prove myself – prove my ability to overcome challenge, solve difficult problems, withstand intense experiences.

During this "Knight" stage, I tried to be relationally committed many times because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. But I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know "who" I was yet. Women weren’t going to help me figure that out. A man needs mature men for that journey, and mature men were overwhelmingly missing for me.

I never thought to interpret the anger I regularly saw in my female partners as a possible reflection of my own internal confusion, and my unconscious rage at not having wise men help me find my way.

In today’s Bridging Connections podcast, the legendary "manthropologist" Alison Armstrong is back for a Part 2 conversation about these 5 life stages of masculine* development.

*btw, a woman may go through these stages, as well, the more she is identified with masculine expression as a consistent way of being in the world.

**the 5 stages are Page, Knight, Prince (with 3 substages), King, Elder Statesman. For a deeper dive, listen to our conversation.

EP 147 👉 The 5 Stages of Male Growth (and How They Impact Women) w/ Alison Armstrong

👉 on Apple Podcasts // Spotify

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